A while ago, I wrote about fears. Well, I have another one I would like to discuss here. My sincere, paralyzing fear of facing the rest of my life without the one person in the world that has brought me so very much happiness – my Texan. I really didn’t mean to make this blog about him, but I write what is on my mind and in my heart. Raw, real, true life for me. The Texan and I are in a really rough patch – it has lasted for two years now. I pray everyday for a miracle, for the words, the actions, the ‘lightening bolt’ that will make him realize that we are so very good together. Every couple goes through rough patches throughout the course of their relationships. Oftentimes it is easy to just give up on each other. I don’t understand that concept, anymore than I can wiggle my nose and make it rain. I was married before The Texan, for seven years. We were absolutely not good for each other on many levels. He loved to party and drink all the time and had absolutely no initiative. He worked just enough to buy beer. It’s a miracle it lasted as long as it did.
I will not go into all the issues with The Texan and I, there are several. Neither of us is 100% to blame for our struggles. It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two (or three or four) to break one. I know I let things at my job carry over into our home life. I also know that I stopped taking care of myself – mentally as well as physically. I also stopped showing my genuine appreciation for my Texan, the things he would do around the house, or for me, the little things. I am not talking about the material gifts. The times he would offer to help me with the groceries and I brushed him off because I wanted to do it myself. The times he would offer to cook, or at least help with meals, and I said NO, because, again, I wanted to do it myself. I would take them all back. The times I would get up early to work out, but wouldn’t make it past the couch. The times I opted for dessert, or a cheeseburger and fries when I wasn’t even hungry. I would change it all in a heartbeat, if my Texan would come home. I know this sounds as if I would do everything for him, but that isn’t necessarily true, at least not in the clingy way, I would do anything for him, but I need to take better care of myself so I can take care of others. I need to be in better physical shape so that I will be able to live a long fulfilling life – for myself. Not just the Texan, but our family, us.
So, I pray everyday for answers, for what to do, and my ‘answer’ is to stay, to hope, to continue to pray. To not give up. To believe that we will be together. To feel in my heart and soul that we are truly meant to be together. Divorce just isn’t an option for me. I have had the worst marriage before, and with The Texan, I have had the BEST. It isn’t about being stubborn, childish, hard headed, obstinate, etc. It is about having the one person that you love so much, so deeply, so passionately that there is simply no way on earth that you can give them up. It is about believing in something that is so very right and good. So, yes, I love My Texan, with every single ounce of my being. And yes, I am praying for a miracle. For him to open his heart. For him to search deep in his soul and see that even though we are going through stuff, we don’t have to give up on each other. My biggest, ugliest, harshest fear in the world is that he will walk out of my life and we will not have each other. I stated in an earlier post that we compliment each other, I mean that. I do not depend on him for my happiness, but he sure makes my life a lot happier when he is in it with me. I am not afraid of being alone, I am afraid of never feeling his arms around me, his lips on mine or looking into his blue eyes again. If any of you reading this pray, please pray that the miracle comes. If you know my Texan, I am not opposed to anyone sharing this with him….or calling him up and asking him to try again. To stop and think and remember. To realize that the one person that has never given up on him is wishing he would be there. To see that she loves and supports and forgives him unconditionally and is so very willing to work things out.
Now, to discuss the health portion….getting ready to wrap up the 21 Day Fix this next week – Round One for me. I have lost six pounds, and four and a half inches overall. Still have a week to go, so I have to dig in with my eating and exercise, still have 6-9 pounds to go to reach my goal. Once I am through with this week, I am going to take a week off from the program and start Round Two of the same program. Ran and walked six miles today, the weather in Arkansas is absolutely gorgeous today!
I will go to church in the morning, then I think I am going to dig in the yard and plant some flowers tomorrow afternoon along with another run. I also have to work hard on updating my resume – time to buckle down on the job search!
Take care everyone, tell those you love the most how you feel each and every day. Never take anyone for granted.
xoxoxoxoxo
Living Fearlessly, Growing Self Confidence 