Fear (revisited), Love, and Health

A while ago, I wrote about fears.  Well, I have another one I would like to discuss here.  My sincere, paralyzing fear of facing the rest of my life without the one person in the world that has brought me so very much happiness – my Texan. I really didn’t mean to make this blog about him, but I write what is on my mind and in my heart.  Raw, real, true life for me. The Texan and I are in a really rough patch – it has lasted for two years now.  I pray everyday for a miracle, for the words, the actions, the ‘lightening bolt’ that will make him realize that we are so very good together.  Every couple goes through rough patches throughout the course of their relationships. Oftentimes it is easy to just give up on each other.  I don’t understand that concept, anymore than I can wiggle my nose and make it rain. I was married before The Texan, for seven years.  We were absolutely not good for each other on many levels.  He loved to party and drink all the time and had absolutely no initiative. He worked just enough to buy beer.  It’s a miracle it lasted as long as it did. 

I will not go into all the issues with The Texan and I, there are several.  Neither of us is 100% to blame for our struggles.  It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two (or three or four) to break one. I know I let things at my job carry over into our home life.  I also know that I stopped taking care of myself – mentally as well as physically.  I also stopped showing my genuine appreciation for my Texan, the things he would do around the house, or for me, the little things.  I am not talking about the material gifts.  The times he would offer to help me with the groceries and I brushed him off because I wanted to do it myself.  The times he would offer to cook, or at least help with meals, and I said NO, because, again, I wanted to do it myself.  I would take them all back.  The times I would get up early to work out, but wouldn’t make it past the couch.  The times I opted for dessert, or a cheeseburger and fries when I wasn’t even hungry.  I would change it all in a heartbeat, if my Texan would come home.  I know this sounds as if I would do everything for him, but that isn’t necessarily true, at least not in the clingy way, I would do anything for him, but  I need to take better care of myself so I can take care of others.  I need to be in better physical shape so that I will be able to live a long fulfilling life – for myself.  Not just the Texan, but our family, us.

So, I pray everyday for answers, for what to do, and my ‘answer’ is to stay, to hope, to continue to pray.  To not give up.  To believe that we will be together.  To feel in my heart and soul that we are truly meant to be together. Divorce just isn’t an option for me.  I have had the worst marriage before, and with The Texan, I have had the BEST. It isn’t about being stubborn, childish, hard headed, obstinate, etc.  It is about having the one person that you love so much, so deeply, so passionately that there is simply no way on earth that you can give them up. It is about believing in something that is so very right and good. So, yes, I love My Texan, with every single ounce of my being.  And yes, I am praying for a miracle.  For him to open his heart.  For him to search deep in his soul and see that even though we are going through stuff, we don’t have to give up on each other. My biggest, ugliest, harshest fear in the world is that he will walk out of my life and we will not have each other.  I stated in an earlier post that we compliment each other, I mean that.  I do not depend on him for my happiness, but he sure makes my life a lot happier when he is in it with me.  I am not afraid of being alone, I am afraid of never feeling his arms around me, his lips on mine or looking into his blue eyes again.  If any of you reading this pray, please pray that the miracle comes.  If you know my Texan, I am not opposed to anyone sharing this with him….or calling him up and asking him to try again. To stop and think and remember.  To realize that the one person that has never given up on him is wishing he would be there.  To see that she loves and supports and forgives him unconditionally and is so very willing to work things out.

Now, to discuss the health portion….getting ready to wrap up the 21 Day Fix this next week – Round One for me.  I have lost six pounds, and four and a half inches overall.  Still have a week to go, so I have to dig in with my eating and exercise, still have 6-9 pounds to go to reach my goal.  Once I am through with this week, I am going to take a week off from the program and start Round Two of the same program.  Ran and walked six miles today, the weather in Arkansas is absolutely gorgeous today!

I will go to church in the morning, then I think I am going to dig in the yard and plant some flowers tomorrow afternoon along with another run. I also have to work hard on updating my resume – time to buckle down on the job search!

Take care everyone, tell those you love the most how you feel each and every day.  Never take anyone for granted.

xoxoxoxoxo

Challenges, goals, inspirationn

Challenges, we all face them, we all go through them, they can either make or break us.  As I stated a few days ago, my life has taken on a series of seemingly insurmountable challenges the past couple of years. A dear friend of mine – who has undergone more than anyone her age should ever have to face in a lifetime – said to me yesterday ‘how do you do it all and stay positive and keep a smile on your face? You have to be the strongest person I know!”  Really???? My head screamed at her! Here is this beautiful person, who seriously has overcome so much, telling ME that I am the strongest person she knows!?  I still am in shock.  Because most days I fake it.  Most days I am dying inside.  Most days I really do not want to get out of bed.  I have no job right now, my marriage is in limbo (much to my displeasure), I have no kids, no family close by….so why get up in the mornings?  But, I make myself get up, every single day, before six am so I do not become someone that I really do not want to become.  I make myself get dressed, take a run or a walk, eat healthily, brush my teeth….all the things I would normally do if I were working everyday, or my husband was home, because, maybe I am strong.  At least on those days that it is the hardest, I can put on a strong outward appearance and ‘fake it til I make it.”  And, in all honestly, life is worth living, and enjoying, and going through.  Challenges or not, life is beautiful and meant to be lived.  And, I keep hoping and praying that our marriage is fixed – yes, it will take time and effort – but it is what I want more than anything.

Ok, I rambled on long enough about that!  More than I wanted or should have.  Let’s get to goals.  I am talking about fitness and wellbeing goals.  My goals with the 21 Day Fix program are to lose 12-15 pounds, eat healthier, and feel more confident about myself.  That is for Round 1, there will probably be a Round 2, which I will set additional goals.  Goals should theoretically follow the acronym everyone is familiar with: SMART.  S=SPECIFIC (exactly what you wish to achieve); M=MEASURABLE (how will you know if you have met your goal?); A=ATTAINABLE (Can I do this?); R=Realistic ((Can I do it?); T=TIMELY (Needs to have a deadline). So, with my goal with the 21 Day Fix, I believe I have met the qualifications for a SMART goal: In 21 days, using the 21 DAY FIX program from Beachbody, I plan to lose 12-14 pounds.

My inspiration for this is the fact that I do have a lot of weight to lose, and I am a long way from being as healthy and fit as I wish I were. I have a poor sense of confidence. I take blood pressure medication.  I feel as if I take up way too much space.  I know that I cannot accomplish my ultimate goal, without breaking it down into smaller goals.  So, in other words, I have to start somewhere!  Which is why I said I will most likely have a second round of 21 Day Fix.  I am doing this for myself and possibly to inspire a few others, to overcome their challenges in life.

Growing as a person is my ultimate goal.  Not to say “look at me, look at me”, but to feel better about myself, to love myself more, and to appreciate all life has to offer.

Have a great day! 

 

Tornados, goals and love

First of all, my heart goes out to everyone impacted by the string of tornados that marched across Arkansas last night.  Fortunately, all of my family and friends are accounted for and safe from harm.  I worked for a fabulous organization for nearly twelve years that is in the middle of helping those less fortunate.  This is not an advertisement, however, if you wish to find out how you might be able to help, please go to http://www.redcross.org.  Prayers to all those that are having to deal with the devastation today and in the days, weeks and months to come.

Today I am starting a new fitness plan, and working towards establishing and achieving my health and fitness goals.  Some of you may know that I am a Beachbody Coach – again, not advertising, this is just a statement.  I am starting the 21 Day Fix program today.  Have done all the weighing and measuring required, have my meals planned out for the week.  Already ran two miles on my treadmill and have completed the workout video for Day 1.  I am using this blog as an accountability tool.  One of my goals for this 21 Days is to lose between 12-15 pounds.  I am positive this will happen.  I have more to lose than that, but I am trying to be realistic for 21 Days.  More on goal setting at a later time.

I am very concerned that I haven’t heard from one particular very important person today, hopefully he is safe from the bad weather and is just too busy to call or text me.  I try not to worry, because that was one of our issues, but it is hard not to sometimes. 

Peace and love to all of you today!  More to come….