It’s been a while since my last post. I have been meaning to write, but have been dealing with some sickness and some other issues that have kept my mind and heart preoccupied and the words just wouldn’t come. To the point I have even had a very difficult time writing in my paper journal lately. Last Saturday evening I had a text from a ‘friend’. I put the word friend in quotation marks because I have always doubted her motives, but, her husband and my Texan were best friends since they were toddlers and while I love her husband and the kids, she has always rubbed me a little wrong. But, as I always try to do, I have given her the benefit of the doubt. Last year, I mistakenly trusted her with some proprietary information and she not only told the information, but greatly embellished the story. Now, suddenly, she texted me last Saturday night under the guise of friendship. They belong to a ‘big box’ church in a very large city. One of those that was begun by a televangelist. I am not being judgmental, if that’s their thing, then go for it. If it brings them closer to God, then more power to them, it just isn’t for me personally. I go to church to receive a message, and to be closer to God and to pray with others, not to feel ‘fashionable’. Well, this is what did it for me with her last weekend. She knows about the issues with my Texan and I, and she knows how very much I love him and want to remain his wife and partner for the rest of my life. Instead of supporting me, which is what I feel a friend should do, she says “come to (our city) soon, I will fix you up with XX who works in the church and has two angel kids.” My reply was, “Thanks, but I really love my Texan and I truly am not interested in anyone else. Our marriage means so very much to me.” She replied with “I know, but you should always know there are nice Christian men out there who would totally think you are a catch”. I couldn’t reply, first of all – I was shocked that she would say something like that, second of all, anything I might have said would have not been nice. So, here is my reply now, after a week of praying and thinking about it: I am married to a good Christian man. We have our issues, yes. I don’t agree with things that have happened. I am very sorry for anything I may have done to create any problems between us. I pray every single day that he will realize that we are so much better together than we could ever be apart. I pray everyday for a chance to rebuild our marriage. I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that we belong together and that we are worth trying everything possible to make our marriage work. I have had MANY conversations with the Man Upstairs about my Texan and our marriage. And He tells me to stay put, keep being strong, keep praying, He brought us together for a purpose and He isn’t through with us yet. So, to my ‘friend’, if this is what your version of Christianity looks like, then I wish you well. Truly I do. But my Christianity believes in second, third, fifth, thousandth chances. My Christianity says that God forgives and loves unconditionally and that I should too. My Christianity says that through prayer and belief and faith and trust ANYTHING is possible. My Christianity tells me to not give up on anyone, to forgive often, to love without condition and to always look to God for miracles. My Christianity is positive, healing, and loving. I am currently reading two books by Stormie Omartian “The Power of a Praying Wife” and “The Power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage” – yes, two books at the same time, this is me, I always read multiple books. In “The Power of a Praying Wife”, the author challenges her readers to pray for their husbands in the following areas: his wife, his work, his finances, his sexuality, his affections, his temptations, his fears, his purpose, his choices, his integrity, his reputation, his marriage, his emotions, his faith and several other areas. This is a powerful little book. I read one chapter every day and pray out loud about the passages and how they relate to my Texan and our marriage.
I believe God has a purpose for our marriage and for allowing us to find each other so many years ago. I believe that purpose is to show the world that He can do anything. To show the world that marriages are worth saving. That anything can be forgiven. That he can work miracles beyond anything mere mortals can do alone. I believe that God will grant us a miracle and save our marriage. I believe it with all my might. I believe that God is changing me into the wife I was meant to be, and He is changing my Texan into the husband he was meant to be. I believe that we can do anything we put our minds to and pray about. I believe that sometimes two people have to go through pure Hell to come out on the other side stronger together. And I believe that it is worth it all. All the tears, all the trials, all the triumphs are God’s way of using us to show the world that marriages can be healed and strengthened. Anything else just isn’t acceptable.
Now, some about my love – The Texan. I also believe in giving thanks for our many, many blessings. And I have been so blessed to be married to this man. Yes, he is a wonderful provider. Yes, he is stubborn and hard headed. But all those things make him who he is – my Texan. He is gentle and kind. He would give anyone the shirt off his back if they needed it more than he did. He is tender and loving. He is funny and sarcastic. He is power. He is driven. He is rock solid. He is loving. He is passionate. He is a little bit crazy. He is adventurous. He is a wonderful daddy and son and brother. He is a role model and mentor. He is a great salesman. He is a dedicated and loyal fan. He is handsome. He works hard. He plays hard. He is a fabulous friend. He is my husband, my joy, my dreamboat. I am thankful for all of his qualities. When he walked into my life, he brought so much joy and happiness with him. I never dreamed it was possible that I could be so happy. He brought sunshine and adventure. He brought peace. He brought energy. He brought promises. He brought love. Perfect – absolutely not, neither am I. But, I love everything about him, from the top of his head to the tips of his toes and every square inch in between. The soft parts and the hard parts. I can look into his eyes and feel the energy and the love spread from him to me and back again. He doesn’t complete me, but I don’t expect him to, he complements me in ways I never thought possible. In short, I love him.
I know that it seems I don’t have any trouble finding words to express how I feel about this man. But words fall so very short. I am so afraid that our marriage will fall to pieces. I am not afraid of being alone, but I am afraid of not having this wonderful man and his beautiful daughter in my life. I don’t want to be alone, but more importantly to me, I don’t want to share my life with anyone other than those two. I pray everyday for words to say to him to bring him home for good. To make him see that we belong with each other. That our marriage is worth it. That we can be such an amazing example to others. He does come home from time to time, and we do text each other some. And those times mean the world to me. I am so very happy to hear from him, to see him. I am trying to learn patience, and to let God work. But patience is definitely not my strong suit. Not when our marriage is on the line and there has never been anything in my life that I have wanted so badly as this marriage, this family, this man’s love.
So, all I can do is pray about it. And in the in between times of seeing and talking to him, work on myself. I am stronger than ever before. But I want his arms around me and mine around him. I want nothing more than to be with my Texan, living our dreams together. We have had such a wonderful life. I took a lot of it for granted, I know that I did. Given another chance, I wouldn’t take one second for granted.
On another note, I am starting a new accountability group tomorrow (Monday, June 30) and would welcome any of you readers to join me. I have a few simple rules: 1. Positive attitudes 2. Non-judgmental 3. Willingness to get outside of your comfort zone. If you are interested, it is Facebook driven so we must be friends on Facebook in order for that to happen. I am working out my goals for the next 60 days due to getting ready to start a new program. Will post more here, and on Facebook, as well as Twitter and Instagram. One of my goals is to lose a minimum of 20 pounds in two months. If I achieve that goal, or exceed it, I am planning to do a tandem skydive as a reward! YIKES!!! Hopefully, my Texan and I will be in a great place at that time and he will be there on the ground waiting for me to land!
One last thing, this past month I have had seven people tell me I should write a book. Really thinking about it, but I am not sure.
As always, thank you for reading my lengthy posts, I hope you enjoy them. Sometimes I know I ramble and get off track. I will always welcome any comments – positive or otherwise. Any advice? please, feel free…. If you don’t want to post publicly here, you can always email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I promise to read your comments and feedback.
Have an amazing day.